Uninspiring

I read all of your blogs and I find myself moved by your ability to write with emotion, power, clarity, meaning, etc.

It has become increasingly hard for me to blog (wonder when that became a verb...) because I am increasingly uninspired by the world around me. Don't get me wrong people, there are great things going on here at 4526 Woodspring Glen Ln... but I am a bit, um, um, down???

My job is so hard. I should be better classified as a cat herder, rather than a teacher. Is there any meaning to what I do? Before you answer, let me first tell you how bad it really is. I teach 5 classes a day (not bad in an of itself...) 2 of those classes are what we call co-taught. This means that there are actually two classes rolled into one. One of the classes if kids who are required to receive special ed support, the rest are regular education students. For this reason, I get a co-teacher. Thank God for her. She's wonderful. She knows just what to do, just who to help, and just when to step on and rescue me. Of those 2 classes, one is really a behavior class. I have kids out of their chairs non-stop, I have girls that talk back to me, boys who have no idea that I am talking to them, and the most frustrating of all... they are scoring low low low low low on tests and quizzes. We're talking barnacles off the bottom of the boat low. IT makes me look like a crappy teacher, even though I know that daily, I give my all to them, only to see an absolute zero return on my investment. 2 of my other classes are considered level classes. You'd think that they would perform better... well they don't. They act like they have never heard the words I have said, or the activities we have done, or the assignments I have given them. There is absolutely no retention from day to day. The last class of the day, my little treasure, is my honors class. I don't believe they are truly an honors class, rather a high-average class, but it doesn't matter. They preform. However, they are just as crazy as the others.

I heard somebody say once that if your kids are scoring low it's not their fault its yours. I would like to meet that person. And, then I would like for them to meet my students. Then, they can re-evaluate that statement. I would go to the ends of the earth for these kids, but they can't complete a single assignment for me.

I've started looking at going back to school. It's only the 9th week of school and I'm fed up already. I love the people I work with, but I am just too angry at the system to commit my life to this work. There is accountability for teachers, I'm supposed to jump through hoops, but very little meaningful accountability for my students. I have so much respect for the people who make teaching into something valuable and worthwhile. But, for me, I totally doubt my ability to reach kids to a significant degree. The proof is in the pudding... or not in the pudding I suppose.

I can't really afford to go back to school now or anytime in the near future, which makes me even more frustrated. If I could, I would do it today. That's how ready I am. I see myself with a white coat on. The dream of medical school has come and gone for me. That ship sailed the day there were two pink lines on a pregnancy test for Hannah Claire. And, you know what, I'm okay with that. As I approach 30, I understand that dreams don't die, but they do sort of morph into something more feasible, more reachable. At this point, for me, I would really like to go to P.A. school, or another exciting prospect is to get a masters in genetic counseling. I think I would be good at that, it's the perfect combo of my background in OB, psych, and education.

I'd also like to write a book. If you know me well, you know the story carried within the walls of my heart and the confines of my soul. You know the story is trying hard not to leap out of me at any given moment, and bear itself to the world. You know that, for some unknown reason, the twisted path I am on leads to the telling of that story in an intimate, but perfect way. The day will come. But, first things first.

The plan: teach 2 more years (at least) to pay off student loan debt (the bane of my existence), somehow manage getting 8 hours of org. chemistry, grad school, white coat, book..... those are the steps to my happy... In the meantime, I'm trying to marginalize my discontent for my job situation and just enjoy this precious time in the life of my family.